Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
