How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
