new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
this beer tastes like vomit already
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
