when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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