i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
