my phone needs a breathalizer
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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