I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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