highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
