Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
