i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
