Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
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