I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
