the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
