got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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