I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
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