Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
