When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
