hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Your tits are I can't wait for
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
