update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
this is an emotional support booty call
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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