and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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