This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
