VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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