I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Randomize
