My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
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