she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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