farters have to be the big spoon...
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
