fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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