lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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