maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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