If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Randomize
