So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
