I would go down on you faster than GM stock
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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