aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
