he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
