Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
It's shark week go big or go home
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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