you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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