the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
