I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
