You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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