Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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