sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
