i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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