I'm passing your future prison.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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