Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
