my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
