I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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