: south campus drug res life name erik. Love, tran
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
