3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
