why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
