My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
