just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
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