what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
